May 20, 2014

I need HELP

I need *HELP*
Why are those words SO hard for us to admit?
Maybe because refusing our flesh, taking a hit to our pride *HURTS*.  

My "having - already - arrived - there's-nothing-I-could-tell-him-he-doesn't-already-know" teenager climbed into bed next to me this morning just to be held.....
I wrapped my arms around him and was reminded just how fragile. How BREAKABLE. How innocent and naive my children really are. How so very much they NEED ME.

Last night my soon-to-be 13 year old was shutting out a heart to heart about something we needed to address.
I tried every angle. Every approach.
He was defensive and had no intention of receiving anything I had to say.
So I dismissed him --- sending him to bed -- feeling frustrated and defeated.
Within moments I saw a note left on my desk.
"Dear mom, I'm sorry.  If you talk I'll listen. But please *HELP* me". 

I began to cry.  

How I've *BEEN* there. 

Unteachable.  Wanting to go my own way.  
My Heavenly Father aching to *HELP* me....asking me, "Are you ready to TRUST me with this now?"  

Trust Him with the consequences of my actions.
Trust Him to fix the mess I've made and redeem it somehow.
Trust Him to love me regardless of the mistakes I've made.
Trust Him that asking for HELP is far better than trying to go it on my own.
TRUST Him that He has my best interest at heart and that perhaps He knows things that I don't know after all and when I've learned the art of FULL surrender I will find nothing but blessings and PEACE wait for me.  

My anger and frustration seemed to fade away as I realized how much (whether they admit it or not) my children need the wisdom and the lessons I've learned in life. How much they look to ME to learn WHO God the Father is and that His word is TRUTH. How CLUELESS they really are and how much they rely on ME and look to ME for answers. They 
may ACT like they have it all together. They may THINK they know it all.

Life was so much easier when my primary concern was keeping their tummies full and a clean diaper on 'em. Keeping them from hurting themselves as they discover the world by learning to crawl and then walk. Putting band aids on their hurts and loving on them until they are playing once again. Then they begin to become more like young men and less like little boys.

More like a young lady and less like a little girl. And I realize that more than any other calling on my life, more than any other dream I may have, more than my own desires and aspirations........these *4* are the greatest calling I have on my life. To raise them to be men (and a lady) of integrity and honor. To teach them to spend their lives giving without hesitation. Loving without reservation. (That includes forgiving quickly and giving grace without measure in their words and in their actions).

I don't have it all together by any means and fall so short of the mother I need to be to these precious children God has entrusted me with. But it's moments like "these" I realize that I *TOO* need *HELP* and God's grace HAS met me in my flesh. Where I am weak. Where I lack. Where I miss the mark. Those moments where I realize they're "getting it". Those moments when I see them walking in the Truth. I find no greater joy than to know that my children are walking in Truth. But I see in those same moments of small victories such a vulnerable and breakable spirit. And realize how so much more present and fully aware I need to be in every moment. relying on the help of the Holy Spirit. One day at a time. Growing together. Learning together.

In I Kings 3:9 Solomon prayed: 

"Lord, Give your servant a discerning heart." 

Solomon asked for discernment because he KNEW that he could not accomplish what he had before him to do as king without it. 
The immediate and temporary moments grab our attention and we tend to be hasty and rash and anxious in our thoughts and in our decisions. But if we could just step back and see the bigger picture. To see what God is up to and learn to discern the heart of God we would find peace of mind and wisdom (instead of confusion and unrest) in those moments when we need discernment the MOST. He's promised if we asked for wisdom He would give it. (James 1:5) Our decisions and every step will be sure and steady if we could just learn to walk with HIM. It's a discipline. We have to make a conscious effort to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND and OBEY. 

I pray that I walk in the Truth so that my children will follow and I will find them walking in Truth....and TRULY there is NO greater Joy than THAT.

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