"Let My Story Be That You Have Walked With Me"
...."and let my children see. You are God and You are good."
I accumulate favorite songs like one might gather tokens or collectibles.
Certain songs speak to the deepest parts of me in different seasons. The lyrics so perfectly depict what I want to say or echo the cry of my heart in a way that only music can.
Songs such as, "No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus" by Steffany Gretzinger
"Great is thy Faithfulness" - a classic
and "Stacking Stones" by Mitch Wong
The very last of the lyrics in "Stacking Stones" says, "Let my story be, that You have walked with me. And let my children see that you are God and you are good."
The lives we have lived as a family over the last 12 years have given me more perspective on the heart of a sovereign and good God than at any other time in my life. The darkest seasons will offer that perspective if we lend ourselves to see it.
If you are breathing. You've been broken at some point in your life. You have experienced hard things. You've been wounded. This is NOT the Garden of Eden. Far from it. In fact, in the Garden, is where a mistrust of God's heart began. Eve couldn't trust that God had her BEST interest in mind. She figured God was withholding His BEST from her.
Don't we have a tendency to do that?
To think that we are the victim and God is holding out on us, or even more than that, indifferent to our suffering.
Suffering is an unwelcome visitor that has taken up residence and refuses to leave.
Some of continue to experience heartache; or have experienced more than their 'fair share'.
But, what if JOY is not as elusive as some may believe?
Maybe joy is found HERE.
In the mess.
In the pain.
In the struggles.
In the tragedy.
Because here in this moment.....GOD is.
BE STILL and KNOW, that I am GOD.
Psalm 46:10
He doesn't cease to stop working in the middle of our most difficult circumstances. He will FULFILL His purposes for me.
"The Lord WILL fulfill His purpose for me. Your STEADFAST love, oh Lord, endures forever. Do not abandon the work of your hands." Psalm 138:8
HE IS PRESENT AT MIDNIGHT
I remember the moment as if it was yesterday. That moment when I found out my husband wasn’t ever coming home. The moment my life was forever changed. I remember that deep ache as if it happened yesterday. I remember the immense grief I felt, and I can still hear my loud cries ringing in my ears. I can still feel the ache I felt in the pit of my stomach when the reality swept over me like a wave tossing a ship out at sea.“What am I going to do?”
“I. AM. A. WIDOW.”
These are the kind of things you read in books. The stories you see in movies. The headlines you see in the news. But this wasn’t supposed to happen to me. This wasn’t supposed to touch MY life. As if I were exempt from life’s heartache. As if you get to opt-out of unexpected tragedy and grief. No. I was now among them.
The events of that evening are a blur of emotions, faces, words, phone calls and tears. I put my children to bed and opened my Bible. I read Psalm 71 through whispered prayer. I read over the tear-stained pages for what felt like hours.
“Do not abandon me when my strength is failing. God you have taught me from my youth. Even still, I declare your wondrous works and miracles. Even when I am old and gray, do not abandon me until I declare Your mighty strength to this generation.
You will restore me to life again.
You will bring me up from depths of the earth."
His words were all I could speak that night.
HIS WORDS.
I had none.
His words brought me life in the midst of death.
His works spoke hope to me when I was stripped of all that I knew.
His words spoke a FUTURE over me as I was grieving the loss of the future I had imagined.
I laid down sometime in the dark hours of the morning but sleep never came. Throughout the night a friend sent scripture after scripture. She stayed awake with me. Texting me. HIS WORDS.
Then I saw Him.
At the foot of my bed.
I knew it was Him.
A vision of Him.
A dream, maybe, but it was my reality. He was there. He whispered so lovingly and so assuringly. “Why are you looking for the living among the dead? He is not here.”
I wanted to say, “No. He is NOT here. And he’ll never be here again.”
But I didn’t argue.
Jesus’ words brought peace in the midst of my darkest night.
He. Is. Not. Here.
He is where he was always meant to be.
I have never been more sure of the Sovereignty of God than I was in that moment.
He is PRESENT at midnight.
He is in the MIDST of your storm.
There is no night so dark that you can't find Him there.
He was already there, waiting to be what I needed Him to be for me there.
Psalm 18
In my distress [when I seemed surrounded] I called upon the Lord
And cried to my God for help;
He heard my voice from His temple,
And my cry for help came before Him, into His very ears.
He made MY darkness His hiding place. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. My God turns my darkness into light.
It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure. “He trains my hands for battle.” Your right hand sustains me.
Every hard thing we struggle through is training ground.
We can’t escape life without pain
He uses it
He prepares us for the moments we face, and each moment we face is preparation for the things to come.
He’s so kind to sustain us in the midst of moments we can't find the strength within ourselves.
STRENGTH TO STRENGTH
Eventually - once decisions had been made, and the dust began to settle, the noise died down, I found myself alone. Just me and Jesus.
As if God was sitting across from me in the living room.
I might as well offered Him a cup of coffee.
It still amazes me that God HIMSELF....creator of the UNIVERSE....the One who set the stars in place....the One who gathered the oceans and controls the waves.....the One who makes demons tremble...and the God who will One day set ….ALL ….THINGS…. right......
that THIS GOD-----can be so present. So intimate. To come.
And sit with me.
In the mess of it all, in the midst of my grief, my temper tantrums and raw vulnerability, I NEEDED A WORD.
It was early. The children were still asleep.
(and by all means.......if at all possible......LET. THE. CHILDREN. SLEEP…….)
I sat there in silence drinking my coffee. Praying. Reading the Word of God.
Then I heard Him. Because He is so FAITHFUL.....faithful to speak....faithful to give us what
we need the MOMENT we need it......
"ARE YOU READY TO TRUST ME NOW?"
Those words took my breath away.
.................of course I trusted Him.
I've always trusted Him.
Then *SUDDENLY*.....(you know those suddenly moments, when the veil is lifted you see see things in a new light. SUDDENLY the clouds break open and you see GOD as if for the first time. HEAR His voice so clearly.)
Suddenly, I could see all of the things I'd held in my tightly clenched fists.
The list was longer than I'd realized.
Was I ready to trust Him with my future, with my doubts, and my fears?
Can I trust a GOD who isn't obligated to explain Himself to me?
A God who isn't obligated to lay out His plan in a power point presentation for me to see what tomorrow, or next year will bring? To guard me against tomorrow's heartaches. To protect me from tomorrow's mistakes. Can I trust Him to do what HE deems best.
And to do it in a way that HE chooses, in the TIMING He KNOWS is best.
Do I trust that He has my best interests at heart and has not brought me to this moment in time to BRING ME TO RUIN but to bring REDEMPTION, HEALING, RESTORATION.
A God who sees what’s next before I could even imagine what is waiting there for me?
I didn't realize how little I entrusted HIM with.
Keeping it all safely hidden in the palms of my own hands.
Trying to figure it all out on my own.
Fix things on my own.
Afraid of revealing too much of me. Afraid of letting go of too much.
WHAT ELSE IS HE GONNA ASK OF ME?
Afraid of what that would mean.
I didn't realize how much FREEDOM there was in SURRENDER.
Those were the only words He spoke to me.
Just those few words.
But those words were enough.
I had to let go.
I WILL RESTORE HER RUINS
Isaiah 44:26
I will restore her ruins.
I was captivated by that verse.
I will raise up and restore her ruins. Her places of brokenness and seasons of grief. Her seasons of loss and tears. Her dreams of tomorrows shattered into pieces, leaving her with a future of unknowns. As I read that verse over and over again I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was reminded of the verse the Lord gave me to stand on for our family during a very difficult season:
"When the Lord restored us, we were like those who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of Joy. It was said among the nations, "the Lord has done great things for them!"
The Lord HAS done great things for us and we are filled with joy.
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126
I remembered our pastor praying over my husband not too long before he passed away. He looked at my husband and said, "The Lord wants you to know that He WILL fulfill His promises to you and your family. When those around you look at you they will marvel at the GOOD things He has done."
God was making a promise to him that day......that everything was going to be okay. He WOULD NOT abandon the works of His hands. He WOULD FULFILL HIS PROMISES TO US and our family would be a testimony to the Goodness and faithfulness of God.
There came a time when I had to *DECIDE* that it was TIME TO GET UP OUT OF THE ASHES. I don't know what those ashes are for you. What circumstances you have found yourself in. But the key to moving forward is no longer thinking of yourself as a victim, but laying hold of ALL of those things which Christ has already paid for, FOR YOU!
His words to you, "I have come that you might have LIFE and have it MORE ABUNDANTLY."
John 10:10
Eventually the ashes become a comfortable place.
The guilt.
The grief.
The pain.
The loneliness.
Somehow it all becomes COMFORTABLE. SAFE.
But if we're going to reach "FORWARD" it DOES require effort. It requires us getting UP. Looking FORWARD and stepping in that direction.
He paid such a high price so that you could exchange your despair for praise. An opportunity to leave the grief behind you and step forward into all of the things He planned for you LONG AGO.
But you have to decide that wearing MOURNING CLOTHES IS NOT AN OPTION FOR YOU. YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF THE KING. You have to decide to get UP and stop sitting in the ashes. The key to moving with God....FORGETTING and REACHING.
This one thing I do. Forgetting what is behind me and reaching forward that I might lay hold of that which Christ has already obtained FOR ME. Phil. 3:13
It was a devastating blow but it was not the end of ME.
I still had a HOPE and a FUTURE laid up for ME.
and if I was to embrace it it was going to require my leaving something else behind…….
NOT THE MEMORIES
But rather, THE INJURIES
THE PAIN
KNOWING THAT GOD WASTES NONE OF IT.
He uses it all.
2 Corinthians 4: 8-10 We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do: we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken.
Jesus CAME to heal the brokenhearted. To give strength to the weary. To give us a GARMENT of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
I know what you’re thinking….
Sometimes it’s not that easy.
"You don’t know what I’ve been through."
"IT’S NOT FAIR"
"I DIDN’T CHOOSE THIS"
"WHERE’S THE JUSTICE"
"HOW AM I GOING TO MOVE FORWARD"
It's time we shift from victim to victor.
We are SURVIVORS - a survivor is a person who continues to function and prosper in spite of opposition, hardship and setbacks.
To PROSPER.
That’s why James says “Consider it PURE JOY, when you face trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
BUT LET PERSEVERANCE FINISH ITS WORK so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
To persevere does NOT mean we don’t grieve.
It does NOT mean we don’t feel.
But sometimes we have a tendency to sit in it - we lay low and look for ways to function and survive without really living in freedom.
SURVIVE - function and prosper in spite of hardship.
We can THRIVE in difficult seasons.
Jeremiah 29 records the story of the Israelites' exile into Babylon. I can only imagine how HELPLESS and HOPELESS they felt being somewhere they did not feel they belonged. They weren't HOME and they certainly weren't in a place of PROMISE.
But this is what God said to them to ESTABLISH THEMSELVES THERE: “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. INCREASE in number there....do not DECREASE." If THAT wasn't enough----they were to seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which they were carried into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers...you too will prosper.” ...... they certainly didn't BELONG there. Nor did they want to BE there. THIS was not their home. But God gave them specific instructions. WHILE you're in *THIS PLACE*.....flourish. Be productive. Be diligent. Keep moving. Life hasn't stopped. My blessings haven't ceased. This isn't permanent. But while you're here? You will PROSPER. Don't quit. BE....*FULLY*....HERE. And I will bless you. They weren't meant to just SURVIVE in this place. The welfare of the place they found themselves (Babylon) was dependent upon their attitude and willingness to DO what was in front of them to do while they were there. *AND* it didn't come without promise......He says to them: "......then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land." It wasn't a permanent resting place. That season wasn't meant to last. There was a HOPE to look forward to. A destiny ahead for them.....but they needed to be FULLY present in the place they found themselves and continue to work and be obedient to what God gave them to do. *HE* would see to it....*HE* would bring them into the place of PROMISE. THEY WOULD BE FAITFUL THERE. THEY WOULD THRIVE THEY WOULD SURVIVE AND FIND PURPOSE THERE
God did say we would experience pain while we were here on earth.
But He doesn't mean for us to stay there.
Arise [from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you—rise to a new life]! Shine (be radiant with the glory of the Lord). Isaiah 60:1
Jesus words, in Isaiah 61, are written into a letter...for YOU.
God has sent me on a mission.
I have some great news for you.
God has sent me to restore and release something.
.......................And that something is YOU.
I am here to give you back your heart and set you free.
I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you and I will fight against him.
Let me comfort you............
For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you where you have only known devastation.
Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow.
And I will robe your heart in thankful praise.
In exchange for your resignation and despair.”
Arise My Darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. Song of Sol 2:10
for I will RAISE UP and RESTORE her ruins. Isaiah 44:26
SO arise (from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you - rise to a new life!) Shine (be radiant with the glory of the Lord), for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you! Isaiah 60:1
I have seen His faithfulness throughout my life.
My prayer is truly that my children will see, in the midst of it all, He is present at midnight, He is God and He is good.
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